Over the last few days, I have attempted to write something on prayer and have started the process multiple times without success. Each time, when I read what I had written, something didn’t seem right.  I realized that the problem was not that what I was writing wasn’t true, it just hasn’t been true for me personally.  I was falling into the same pattern of putting on my “Christian” hat and writing as if I had an amazing prayer life and had some wisdom to share.  If I am brutally honest though, the ‘wisdom’ would have been based on more on what I have been taught than on personal experience.

This is difficult for me to admit considering the fact that I have been a part of prayer teams at almost every church I’ve attended and also been involved in launching some prayer teams. In fact, I have been a part of some incredible prayer meetings and seen amazing things happen – the difference though is when I am one on one with God. In those moments, my prayer life has been …lacking.

Okay, I am exposed and the sky didn’t come crashing down (yet). Now on to the good news – for the last month, as short of a time as this may be, I have been experiencing something different. I decided, as part of my determination to figure out my passion, to try praying about it, given that God instructs us to do that. If I was really going to stick to it though, I needed to find a new approach.

I decided that instead of approaching God with a very serious, formal posture (which usually meant I wasn’t sure what to say or I just stuck to prayer requests for other people), I would try to have a conversation with Him. My goal was to share with God what was on my heart – my desires, dreams and fears. This may seem to obvious to you, but for me, I had never actually out loud, using my voice, articulated to God how I was feeling and asked Him to bring to fruition the dreams he put inside of me.

The following are a few reasons why I had never tried this before:

1. God already knew everything about it me so it felt silly telling Him ‘again.’

2. It terrified me that God wouldn’t answer and I would be left wondering why.

3. I felt selfish asking God to do amazing things in my life.

Once I came to terms with the fact that none of these reasons were valid, I was ready to move forward. I started having these ‘conversations’ with God in my car on my long commutes to work and let me just say, God showed up.  There have been a few times where the answers to my prayers came literally minutes after I finished. It makes me think God has been going out of His way to encourage me in my prayer life (pretty amazing to think about).  So – if you’ve never sat down and had a real conversation with God about your life, let this be an encouragement to try.

Matthew 7:7-8

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.”

I have always struggled with the fact that I have never known what to do with my life. I absolutely hate making decisions. I get jealous when I think about those people who knew what they wanted to do with their lives since they started walking (for example, my husband!) and here I am, approaching thirty and feel I know as much about what I want to do as I did when I was in elementary school. The amazing thing about all of my frustrations with what I am supposed to do is that I recently realized what a privilege it is to even be thinking about this question.

I was raised in an amazing home with my parents and two older sisters. My dad has always been successful in business and I do not remember a time where my sisters and I needed anything. I had the benefit of a private school experience through middle school and attended a 5A high school with great teachers and an abundance of extracurricular activities. This foundation set me up to get soccer and academic scholarships to attend a Division 1 college and my parents supplemented anything the scholarships did not cover. I graduated three and a half years later with no student loans, a Liberal Arts degree, and endless options for me to pursue in my career.

I do not mean to completely glass over the fact that I was a dedicated student and that I worked hard, but as I think back over my upbringing, I realize how rare it is to find yourself at 21 with a degree, no debt, and the option to choose what to do with your life. You would think I would be incredibly thankful to find myself in that position (and I probably was to some extent), but there was always this little voice inside saying, “Don’t waste it; don’t waste it.” It terrified me.

Seven years later, I am still questioning if I am wasting it. I think about all of my options, how it has frustrated me over the years that God won’t just tell me exactly what direction to pursue. But lately, this wrestling has taken on a new line of thought. I can’t stop thinking about the women in the sex slave industry, many of whom were forced into it as children, taken from their families and sold when they were most vulnerable.  I think about the families working the brick kilns in India, generations of families working to pay off a five dollar debt. I think about the migrant workers on the farms near where I live, waiting hours to cross the border and working all day in the sun to provide food for their families. The number of men, women, and children in our world that have had no choice of what to do with their lives is staggering.

In contrast, I sit here, surrounded by the luxury that so many of us Americans enjoy, frustrated because I have so many options.  The realization of my own ungratefulness hit me pretty hard. With all of the options set before me, one has come into greater clarity as I begin this year - the option I have to take action and do something about the injustices that they face. I can choose to add my name to the growing list of people who are trying to reverse the rising tide of injustice and bring a new wave of hope and freedom.

This being my first post, I feel I should include a brief introduction. I am one year away from thirty, happily married, and have a great job that has afforded me a lot of opportunities in the corporate world. I am certainly blessed in God’s provision for my life and thankful for His direction thus far.

With all of this said, I have carried with me for some time an unsettled feeling that there is something more that God has for me to do. I have had the luxury of meeting and befriending some amazing people that have opened my eyes to the many justice issues plaguing our world and also introduced me to some incredible ministries that are fighting back.

As I hear more and more about the overwhelming needs, I have been confronted with my own lack of initiative to take action and get involved. There may be many different reasons for this, one of which is not knowing how to start (others include my laziness, business, and selfishness). As 2011 began, I decided that I wanted this year to be a year where God truly breaks my heart for what breaks His and propels me into motion.

This blog is meant to document my journey into justice – a journey that I am sure will include some self-discovery, missteps, and amazing moments where God provides me clarity. I want this year to catapult me into action so I am using my time, talents, and gifts to bring the hope of Jesus to those who desperately need Him.