Monthly Archives: June 2011

Looking Back

Today I came across something I wrote several years ago. I do not recall the context or what prompted me to write this, but I wanted to share it with you…

Where have I been?

Lost in religion. Heavy with confusion.

So blind to the mission – the compassion –

the reaction of the Father to a dying world and what He’s asked me to do.

I’d rather be selfish.

I’d rather have new clothes, shoes, eat out, enjoy my life.

I know the emptiness that this brings but choose to remain blind.

Children are being raped as I type this right now,

sold and purchased, chained and beaten.

Men and women are dying of hunger and disease,

living in poverty,

lacking fresh water.

And what do I do?

I enjoy my movie in my suburbia, sipping a fresh glass of wine from a 13 dollar bottle.

13 dollars that could feed 13 people for one more day.

I am ignorant because I choose to be,

turning a blind eye to the truth staring back at me,

refusing to look at what might cause me pain

but how can my pain of sight compare with their pain of experience?

God wreck me for your kingdom. I don’t want to be useless.

As I read back over this, conviction overwhelms me. Years later, I find that my progress has been mediocre at best. There are times where God really gets your attention and tugs at your heart for something and you feel changed. Then, somehow, days pass and that commitment to obedience begins to lose it’s hold. One thing I have discovered in my life is that gradual change doesn’t always work.   There are certain times where I need to RUN in the direction of the cross and embrace a radical change. Trying to slowly taper back my selfish desires hasn’t resulted in the progress I would hope to see.

I wrote last week about the example of missionaries daily sacrificing their desires for the kingdom. Even this last week, that reality hit me like a ton of bricks. God allowed me to recognize the daily struggle in my life. Each day, some temptation for my own comfort and security hit me and I found my mind straying from my focus of Christ. When talking with Chris about this toward the end of the week, he told me, “It really does have to be a daily decision to follow Jesus. Yesterday’s decision doesn’t carry over to today.” How true this is! I may have had a strong conviction a few years ago about giving up my selfishness but without sacrificing it daily, I find myself still clinging to it years later.

So, I am putting up a sign in our bathroom that says, “Today, I will follow Jesus.” I don’t want to wake up 3 years from now, read this blog and think – why didn’t I change?


Legacy

Over the last month or so, I have been reading a few books about great missionaries, specifically the founder of Youth with a Mission and the founders of One Mission Society. When you read books about people who demonstrated amazing faith, it can sometimes be intimidating. As I read though, I noticed a couple of things that these incredible men and women of God had in common (among many). It wasn’t that they had all of this incredible knowledge and skill that made them effective. It wasn’t that they were great fundraisers and used all the best techniques to ensure they could accomplish God’s plan. It wasn’t that were just powerful speakers, although that was certainly part of it.

The first thing that I noticed was prayer. I don’t mean prayer as a discipline but prayer was their very breath. Their whole lives were lived in a posture of complete submission to and communion with the Father. Their prayer lives were certainly remarkable, particularly because they all believed that when they went to God in prayer, He would answer. Such a simple thing but when you put everything on the line, that is radical faith.

At the beginning of the story of YWAM, Loren Cunningham tells a story of when he was young. He had to go down to the store to get some milk and had a five dollar bill. This money was to be used to the groceries for the week, so when he lost it on the way to the store, he was devastated. When he went home to tell his mom, she said, “Come son, let’s pray. We will ask God to show us where that money is.” After they prayed, she said that God told her it was under a bush. They retraced his steps together and found the bill under a bush on the side of the road. Loren tells this story as part of his inheritance from his family and he continued to rely on God in the same way with YWAM.

There is one story of Charles Cowman, who along with his wife started One Mission Society, where God gave him an incredible vision to take the gospel to every household in Japan. At one moment all of the funds ran out and he said, “It is not a question of supply and demand but of the Supplier.” He sent out telegrams calling for a day of prayer and spent the night on his knees. Within days, God had supplied the money.  When I hear this, it is incredible to me that the response was NOT to send out telegrams to ask for donations, it was to pray – the only plea for funds was to the Supplier and He provided.

The second thing these individuals had in common was a bit of recklessness when it came to their own self-interest. They followed God’s call so intensely that they abandoned all desire for their own comfort, safety, security, and wealth. They were not here on this earth to make a name for themselves, they knew they were here for a higher purpose, to make the name of God known among the nations that He alone may be glorified by every tongue, tribe and nation as it talks about in Revelation. When you read their stories you don’t see them making decisions that make sense in the natural.

I had a soccer coach when I was young that would always yell at us from the sidelines, “Play with reckless abandon!!” My parents and I would laugh about this as it was his favorite and constant phrase. As I think back on it now, I wonder, what does it look like to LIVE with reckless abandon? Is there something about following Jesus where this phrase would also apply? When I read the stories of missionaries that have gone before me it barely seems believable the way that they poured out their lives. It wasn’t just that they were not afraid of death, it was that they died daily to any desire to satisfy themselves.

One of the good friends of Charles Cowman, E.A. Kilbourne wrote in a letter a few hours before he died after a lifetime of mission work in Asia that he praised God that he had no personal bank account and he did not own a square foot of property.  He felt privileged that God would allow him to be a conduit for millions of dollars to pass through his hands for the great missionary cause for which he lived and died. I don’t know many people who would praise God for having nothing of material wealth at the end of their life, but a spiritual legacy of living for the King.

I think that these two things are inextricably tied. I don’t think you can pour out your lives like this without constantly drinking in the living water that comes through prayer. Prayer is an exercise that allows us to remember the God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-present. It builds our faith because it builds relationship with the One who is faithful. It builds our confidence because it builds relationship with the One who is sovereign. It builds our ability to lay down our lives because we get a glimpse at the prize, the glory and beauty of the One who laid down His life for us.

In closing, all I can say is that He is worth it. He is worth any suffering, any want, any danger, any sacrifice. So many amazing men and women lived out their lives to show others the beauty of the risen Christ. Let us join with the thousands upon thousands of angels in heaven by proclaiming:

“Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
and honor and glory and praise!”


Surgery

Something I wrote two night ago and needed to let settle before posting. Welcome to my inner struggles…

Tonight I fought one of the most difficult battles of my life, a battle that cost my soul. It was a battle that left me breathless and feeling utterly exhausted. Sometimes, certain fights require mastering all that you have within you and that still doesn’t feel like enough. Even now, the battle is still not fully settled – I can sense that the attack is still coming and arrows are still flying, even though by all means a victor has been declared. Tonight, I fought my pride.

This is certainly not the first time I have had this fight and nor will it be the last, but It certainly was one of the most difficult battles to date. Tonight at dinner, Chris and I got into a discussion that took a turn for the worse, we both got frustrated and it showed. We continued to talk it out but no resolution came. My husband is someone that really feels resolution cannot come without an apology, and therefore, I knew he was expecting one.  As we got in the car to head home, I asked why we couldn’t get resolution and move past the argument, after all, no one was hurt and we didn’t have more to talk about. He wasn’t ready and I knew why – he was still waiting for me to apologize.

There are certain moments that come in one’s life where literally every nerve, bone, and cell in your body seems to be pulsing with the anthem, “You don’t need to apologize!” Tonight, this intense force was growing as I sat there, listening to him explain why something still wasn’t right. This issue that I have of not wanting to admit my wrongs is not new. It is something I have been working on and I felt that here was an opportunity for me to humble myself, no matter what I felt I deserved. I felt that small voice saying, “Humble yourself before men” and NOTHING in me wanted to obey. In fact, it felt that I had a million little demons revving the engine of my stubborn pride. I wanted to stomp my foot and proclaim my innocence!

Someone once shared a very profound thing with me when Chris and I were first married regarding conflict. She said, “Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: “Do I love him more than I love this issue?” These words have come to me time and time again as I am faced with the decision to be humble and make a way for reconciliation or hold my position and continue the battle.

In the moments between Chris’ silence and my next words, I prayed that God would help me overcome. Then, I said that I was sorry and I meant it. Assuming that this would quiet the raging war in me, I waited…but nothing slowed. The anthem continued with thoughts like, “Now tell him he should apologize!” and “Isn’t he going to acknowledge how hard that was for you!”  It gives new meaning to the verse “Take every thought captive” because sometimes, the enemy keeps on kicking. Soon, we pulled into the driveway and I felt that I was nearly suffocating in my skin. He actually admitted to some things as well but I couldn’t really focus on it. As I took our dog outside I practically yelled to God, “This really really hurts! Please hurry and cut away my pride so that I don’t have to go through this anymore!” Talk about soul surgery – and the sad part is, on the surface, it was all over such a small thing.

What does it mean to humble yourself? Is it only when you’ve messed up or made a mistake? I A few months ago I heard a sermon 1 Corinthians 6 and verse 7 has stuck with me since then. It is referencing how we should handle disagreements between believers and Paul says, “Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?” These questions have been ringing in my ears. Why do I demand to have my side heard? Isn’t it better to be wronged or cheated than to cause further damage with my demands?

I know that it is a dangerous prayer to ask the Lord to humble you, but I know that is what I want – to walk humbly before Him. I don’t want to be so concerned with getting my message heared that I cannot humble myself as a means of reconciliation.

For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with victory.

Psalm 149:4


Doubt…Revisited

This whole process of journaling on-line can be pretty revealing. The last few times I have started writing, including this evening, I have a faint recollection that I already wrote on this subject. I then start feeling convicted, thinking that I can’t write about struggling with the same thing again! But, the truth is, I find myself walking over the same ground again and again, particularly the ground of doubt.  The last few days, my confidence has somewhat waned and my focus shifted to the challenges ahead of me instead of the truth of God.

I have been pondering what it means to hear God, to be able to say, “God spoke this to me.” God can speak in so many ways and sometimes speaks in the quiet. Last night, Chris and I got to sit around a dinner table with a number of people who have been hearing God speak amazing things to them, giving them visions, dreams, and confirmations from all sorts of places.  This is completely encouraging to me, that God chooses to reveal His purposes to us, but at the same time, it sometimes sends me to this place of comparison. I think, “I wonder if I really heard from God like they have.”

At certain times in my life, my doubts, not just about my ability to connect with and hear from God, but doubts about God’s existence and plan as a whole, have been nearly suffocating. One of the ways I have comforted myself is to remember the many men and women that I know or that have come before me in the faith that lived their lives demonstrating a complete confidence in knowing God and His voice. After all, so many people couldn’t have spent their lives on behalf of something that didn’t exist, right?

The last few days though, I began feeling that relying on their stories is not really going to sustain me when I am walking through a valley. At the end of the day, confidence in God is a deeply personal matter. It is something you cannot borrow from someone else, including your parents, spouse, pastor, or anyone else. Even as I pause and think about this, despite all of the doubts that have come on me, I still sense a tiny little seed buried in my soul that knows my Creator, my God. This little seed can get buried and hidden by doubts of the enemy, but it is still there.

How do I then live with my doubts, acknowledge them, and then move past them? As Chris and I were taking a long walk this evening, talking about faith and praying, God impressed upon my heart that these doubts can actually be a faith builder. He showed me that each time I have doubted, it has driven me closer to Him. There is something about doubt that keeps me humble, keeps me close to the Father, begging to hear His voice again. I am not suggesting that I embrace my doubts, but can I thank God for them? Thank God that I never get so confident that I forget to seek Him? Can my doubts actually be a vehicle for me to grow in my confidence in Christ?

I cannot promise you that this will be the last time I write about doubt, but I can tell you that I am okay with it. I think God is teaching me how to work through them and come out the other side with a greater knowledge of Him. As many times as I have asked God for a sign and He has proven Himself to me, I want to become a disciple that says, “Even if I see no more signs, visions, dreams, or miracles, I am going to keep following You because Your quiet presence is enough.” I long for complete confidence, but in the meantime, my choice is to let my doubts drive me closer to Him.

“Be merciful to those who doubt.”

Jude 1:22


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