Right now my heart is aching. I just found out that some good friends of ours just discovered their 6 month baby girl not breathing in her crib. I haven’t been able to stop crying for them, for their loss. There is no possible way for me to imagine the pain and suffering they must be experiencing in this moment. I am so sorry to have to share this heavy burden here, with all of you, but I am wrecked. Sometimes, as Christians, we want to respond to things like this with hopeful, ‘God has a greater plan’ type answers. Tonight, I just can’t get there.

With the promise of being open and honest, here is a glimpse at my conversation with God over the last hour:

Tonight it is hard to accept.

I am struggling to understand your hand in the death of a child,

struggling to comprehend how something like this can be allowed, even ordained, by you -

you, who came to the earth to know our pain and yet

you allow us to continue experiencing it.

I know this may sound angry, may sound wrong, but I need you to hear it.

It is frustrating that I cannot understand your ways, your providence.

It is discouraging to have to try and reason out that this is for your glory.

It is beyond my fragile, human thinking to accept it, although I know that I am told I should.

Here at a crossroads, I know there is a choice before me.

I can choose anger, confusion, and despair and forsake your promises

or

I can choose to trust you.

But right now, I cannot get my feet to move in either direction.

As part of a response to move toward trust, if you would, please join me in the following prayer for this beautiful family:

Lord God, who makes each and every one of us, we cannot begin to understand your plan. I am so thankful for this family, for their service, for their love for you, that it is beyond my ability to accept that they must experience this heartache. But, as it is in your will for them to walk through this valley, I beg you for strength on their behalf. I beg you for comfort. I beg you for peace in the midst of such loss. Will you please show yourself faithful and true to them tonight and every day hereafter? Will you please give them an understanding of your plan? Will you be patient with them in this season of deep affliction and pour out your love to overflowing? We have nowhere to turn but you. Come Lord Jesus.

My lesson of the day – following God into the unknown is not a promise of easiness. It has become a subconscious expectation in my life that my commitment to Christ should gain me a life where everything goes the way I want and nothing difficult or bad happens. This may be a bit of a generalization but I think that many Christians can relate to either hearing this message or believing this message about our faith. Flip on the TV and most of what you hear from preachers fall in this same line of thinking. The Bible, however, predicts a different future for us. It seems the thing that sets Christians apart is not a lack of difficulty; it is (or should be) the response to our difficulties.

Today, Chris and I hit a bump in the road. Although this was not a literal bump, it could have been, as we discovered that one of the tires on the truck we just purchased is leaking air, and quickly. We hoped and prayed that a patch would fix the issue, but after 2 hours of waiting at the service shop, they said we would need a new tire. Ugh. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we got this news at 8:30pm and all of the tire shops were closed. This is our only vehicle right now, so the thought of not getting it fixed today could mean a tow in the morning. That is the last thing we wanted to hear. This news just seemed to deflate our spirits as well.

It would have been nice if there never was an issue with our tire, or if, as we prayed, it would be an easy fix. But God isn’t always as interested in the easy, cheap fix as we are. Why is that? It would not have been that hard for Him to fix.  Certainly, as Chris and I take this huge leap of faith, leave jobs, homes, and community to share a message that He laid on our hearts, He could at least help us out financially with not needing to buy a new tire, right? How easy it is for me to jump to this place. But, this the beginning of a long line of tests that I think God is going to give me so that I can really understand what His provision means.

Earlier today, we received a phone call from someone who wanted to give us a one-time gift of support. It was incredibly encouraging to have some friends step out and help us do what we feel God is telling us to do. My mind (remember, I am a planner) easily found a use for the money in our budget and I may have plotted out the best way to put it to use, but now, as I think about it, it is pretty incredible that this gift is more than enough to pay for a new tire. Sometimes, we get caught up in the frustration of having something go wrong that we miss how God already provided an answer.

So I will rewind and try a different response to our need to purchase a new tire. Thank you to all the friends who have shared of their resources with us. You truly are God’s provision in our time of need.  And, thanks to our Father, who knows our needs and meets them. Today, he met the need before we even knew we had it. Tonight, I am grateful for the little, sometimes irritating reminders that point me to the faithfulness of my God. He provided for my needs today, and that is more than enough reason to be thankful.

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

Matthew 6:31-32

Over the last few months and even years, Chris and I have been sensing the need to simplify our lives, particularly in regards to all of the stuff we have accumulated over the years. It is pretty incredible to watch storage spaces fill up and closets become overloaded. We have joked about our particular journey of homes, starting with a one bedroom apartment when we were married, then the two-bedroom townhouse and then the 4-bedroom house in the suburbs. After the house, we have been on a downward trend. For the last year and a half we lived in a small, two-bedroom townhouse and now, for the last 2 nights, a 28-foot travel trailer.

I remember when we moved from the 4 bedroom house – we got rid of so much stuff! Now, as we moved out into the trailer, once again, we were amazed at how much stuff we had that we didn’t need. We even had boxes in our garage that we never opened from our move a year a half ago. What does that mean? How do we continue to just accumulate and accumulate stuff?

As we began packing for the latest move, we had many piles: trash, give away, storage, and finally, trailer. I even labeled some boxes “Trailer Clothes,” which my husband took a picture of because he thought it was so hilarious. As we did this we really wanted to make decisions that align with our new line of work. Are there things, even things that I make want or like, that someone else needs more than I do? Can we look for ways to do justice with the extra stuff we have lying around? Why pay to put something in storage when a family could it?

So, we did our best. We took clothes, books, and shoes we didn’t need to some homeless friends in downtown San Diego. We found a local group (Jewish Family Services of San Diego) that took donations of furniture and other large items.

We loaned out a car, gave away a guitar. Why am I telling you this? Because giving away some of the things that we held most dear broke something in us, broke an attachment and dependence on things and actually brought a different kind of peace and joy.

I will add that somehow we still filled up a pretty good size storage unit, which continues to make me wonder – why do we need all of THAT stuff? Yesterday afternoon, in the first full day in our trailer, Chris and I watched the movie Into the Wild while we unpacked. There is something in that movie that just makes sense to us, the idea of turning away from what society tells us that we need is totally freeing. I will not quote the entire song, but I need to quote a bit of Eddie Vedder (Society):

Oh, it’s a mystery to me

We have a greed, with which we have agreed

And you think you have to want more than you need

Until you have it all you won’t be free -

Society, you’re a crazy breed

I hope you’re not lonely without me.

We are trying, somehow, through this process to love the world without conforming to it. This will be an ongoing struggle and not something we should just be thinking about when we move. I have been stuck on the following verses for some time and I think I am starting to understand how to apply them. In a world where it is easy to drown in what we own, Chris and I are trying to find ways to love with actions and in truth.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

I John 3:16-18

This year has been incredible and even though it may be hard to believe it is already September, I am amazed at what has already happened in the first 8 months. I have some crazy, incredible news that I have been waiting to share and today is the big reveal (for those that may not have heard already). As God has taken both Chris and I on this journey into justice, He began painting a very clear picture that we were called to leave our full-time jobs and enter into a new season of full-time ministry with Steps of Justice. Somehow, God has invited me to take a huge risk and join Him in a radical way.

I have heard some amazing stories of people that have walked away from wonderful, successful careers and companies to step fully into God’s mission and it has always been an inspiration to me. I really did not think that God would weave this into my own journey. Let me just say – if I can do it (the picture of practical, logical, and safe thinking), I am pretty sure anyone can do it. This is not to say that a decision like this doesn’t have its challenges, but great challenges often come with great rewards and great risks present many new opportunities to watch God do the amazing things that we all long to see. And now, I am seeing them.

The decision to enter into full-time ministry, despite being a huge change, is not the only change that has been happening around the Wilson house. One of the main things we are doing with Steps is a Justice & Worship tour, first up the West Coast in the fall and then on to the Midwest in the spring. With so much to share, I thought that the best way for me to articulate the complete transformation that God has been doing in our lives would be to show you a little before and after:

Jenna’s life 3 months ago…

1. Working in a technology and analytics role at a successful financial services company
2. Salaried job
3. Work attire = Business Casual
4. Living in a cute 2-bedroom townhouse in Southern CA
5. Driving Hondas, like we always have
6. Surplus of clothing, furniture, etc in our home

Jenna’s life as of today…

1. Full-time writer, speaker, etc. for Steps of Justice
2. Raising monthly support for income
3. Work attire = ‘Do Justice’ T-shirt and jeans
4. Living in a Camping Trailer as we travel up the West Coast doing Justice & Worship events
5. Driving a Super Duty Crew Cab Diesel truck to tow around our trailer
6. Donated truck loads of clothing, furniture etc

Yes, even as I type this I realize it may sound a bit crazy. Amazingly, this whole process of asking God to break my heart for something at the beginning of this year actually happened. I have never been this excited, passionate and terrified about a season of my life but I believe more than anything that I am in the place God wants me to be and I would not trade that for anything. This journey has taken a bit of a turn, one seemingly right off a cliff, but I know my God will provide. One thing I can promise is to share my adventure with you and invite you to join me. Thanks for reading and so excited to continue to see what God has next…

“I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full” (Jesus)

John 10:10