Category Archives: Uncategorized

September 21, 2011

The Right Response

By Jenna Wilson

My lesson of the day – following God into the unknown is not a promise of easiness. It has become a subconscious expectation in my life that my commitment to Christ should gain me a life where everything goes the way I want and nothing difficult or bad happens. This may be a bit of a generalization but I think that many Christians can relate to either hearing this message or believing this message about our faith. Flip on the TV and most of what you hear from preachers fall in this same line of thinking. The Bible, however, predicts a different future for us. It seems the thing that sets Christians apart is not a lack of difficulty; it is (or should be) the response to our difficulties.

Today, Chris and I hit a bump in the road. Although this was not a literal bump, it could have been, as we discovered that one of the tires on the truck we just purchased is leaking air, and quickly. We hoped and prayed that a patch would fix the issue, but after 2 hours of waiting at the service shop, they said we would need a new tire. Ugh. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we got this news at 8:30pm and all of the tire shops were closed. This is our only vehicle right now, so the thought of not getting it fixed today could mean a tow in the morning. That is the last thing we wanted to hear. This news just seemed to deflate our spirits as well.

It would have been nice if there never was an issue with our tire, or if, as we prayed, it would be an easy fix. But God isn’t always as interested in the easy, cheap fix as we are. Why is that? It would not have been that hard for Him to fix.  Certainly, as Chris and I take this huge leap of faith, leave jobs, homes, and community to share a message that He laid on our hearts, He could at least help us out financially with not needing to buy a new tire, right? How easy it is for me to jump to this place. But, this the beginning of a long line of tests that I think God is going to give me so that I can really understand what His provision means.

Earlier today, we received a phone call from someone who wanted to give us a one-time gift of support. It was incredibly encouraging to have some friends step out and help us do what we feel God is telling us to do. My mind (remember, I am a planner) easily found a use for the money in our budget and I may have plotted out the best way to put it to use, but now, as I think about it, it is pretty incredible that this gift is more than enough to pay for a new tire. Sometimes, we get caught up in the frustration of having something go wrong that we miss how God already provided an answer.

So I will rewind and try a different response to our need to purchase a new tire. Thank you to all the friends who have shared of their resources with us. You truly are God’s provision in our time of need.  And, thanks to our Father, who knows our needs and meets them. Today, he met the need before we even knew we had it. Tonight, I am grateful for the little, sometimes irritating reminders that point me to the faithfulness of my God. He provided for my needs today, and that is more than enough reason to be thankful.

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

Matthew 6:31-32

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September 20, 2011

Purging

By Jenna Wilson

Over the last few months and even years, Chris and I have been sensing the need to simplify our lives, particularly in regards to all of the stuff we have accumulated over the years. It is pretty incredible to watch storage spaces fill up and closets become overloaded. We have joked about our particular journey of homes, starting with a one bedroom apartment when we were married, then the two-bedroom townhouse and then the 4-bedroom house in the suburbs. After the house, we have been on a downward trend. For the last year and a half we lived in a small, two-bedroom townhouse and now, for the last 2 nights, a 28-foot travel trailer.

I remember when we moved from the 4 bedroom house – we got rid of so much stuff! Now, as we moved out into the trailer, once again, we were amazed at how much stuff we had that we didn’t need. We even had boxes in our garage that we never opened from our move a year a half ago. What does that mean? How do we continue to just accumulate and accumulate stuff?

As we began packing for the latest move, we had many piles: trash, give away, storage, and finally, trailer. I even labeled some boxes “Trailer Clothes,” which my husband took a picture of because he thought it was so hilarious. As we did this we really wanted to make decisions that align with our new line of work. Are there things, even things that I make want or like, that someone else needs more than I do? Can we look for ways to do justice with the extra stuff we have lying around? Why pay to put something in storage when a family could it?

So, we did our best. We took clothes, books, and shoes we didn’t need to some homeless friends in downtown San Diego. We found a local group (Jewish Family Services of San Diego) that took donations of furniture and other large items.

We loaned out a car, gave away a guitar. Why am I telling you this? Because giving away some of the things that we held most dear broke something in us, broke an attachment and dependence on things and actually brought a different kind of peace and joy.

I will add that somehow we still filled up a pretty good size storage unit, which continues to make me wonder – why do we need all of THAT stuff? Yesterday afternoon, in the first full day in our trailer, Chris and I watched the movie Into the Wild while we unpacked. There is something in that movie that just makes sense to us, the idea of turning away from what society tells us that we need is totally freeing. I will not quote the entire song, but I need to quote a bit of Eddie Vedder (Society):

Oh, it’s a mystery to me

We have a greed, with which we have agreed

And you think you have to want more than you need

Until you have it all you won’t be free -

Society, you’re a crazy breed

I hope you’re not lonely without me.

We are trying, somehow, through this process to love the world without conforming to it. This will be an ongoing struggle and not something we should just be thinking about when we move. I have been stuck on the following verses for some time and I think I am starting to understand how to apply them. In a world where it is easy to drown in what we own, Chris and I are trying to find ways to love with actions and in truth.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

I John 3:16-18

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September 12, 2011

The Big Leap

By Jenna Wilson

This year has been incredible and even though it may be hard to believe it is already September, I am amazed at what has already happened in the first 8 months. I have some crazy, incredible news that I have been waiting to share and today is the big reveal (for those that may not have heard already). As God has taken both Chris and I on this journey into justice, He began painting a very clear picture that we were called to leave our full-time jobs and enter into a new season of full-time ministry with Steps of Justice. Somehow, God has invited me to take a huge risk and join Him in a radical way.

I have heard some amazing stories of people that have walked away from wonderful, successful careers and companies to step fully into God’s mission and it has always been an inspiration to me. I really did not think that God would weave this into my own journey. Let me just say – if I can do it (the picture of practical, logical, and safe thinking), I am pretty sure anyone can do it. This is not to say that a decision like this doesn’t have its challenges, but great challenges often come with great rewards and great risks present many new opportunities to watch God do the amazing things that we all long to see. And now, I am seeing them.

The decision to enter into full-time ministry, despite being a huge change, is not the only change that has been happening around the Wilson house. One of the main things we are doing with Steps is a Justice & Worship tour, first up the West Coast in the fall and then on to the Midwest in the spring. With so much to share, I thought that the best way for me to articulate the complete transformation that God has been doing in our lives would be to show you a little before and after:

Jenna’s life 3 months ago…

  1. Working in a technology and analytics role at a successful financial services company
  2. Salaried job
  3. Work attire = Business Casual
  4. Living in a cute 2-bedroom townhouse in Southern CA
  5. Driving Hondas, like we always have
  6. Surplus of clothing, furniture, etc in our home

Jenna’s life as of today…

  1. Full-time writer, speaker, etc. for Steps of Justice
  2. Raising monthly support for income
  3. Work attire = ‘Do Justice’ T-shirt and jeans
  4. Living in a Camping Trailer as we travel up the West Coast doing Justice & Worship events
  5. Driving a Super Duty Crew Cab Diesel truck to tow around our trailer
  6. Donated truck loads of clothing, furniture etc

Yes, even as I type this I realize it may sound a bit crazy. Amazingly, this whole process of asking God to break my heart for something at the beginning of this year actually happened. I have never been this excited, passionate and terrified about a season of my life but I believe more than anything that I am in the place God wants me to be and I would not trade that for anything. This journey has taken a bit of a turn, one seemingly right off a cliff, but I know my God will provide. One thing I can promise is to share my adventure with you and invite you to join me. Thanks for reading and so excited to continue to see what God has next…

“I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full” (Jesus)

John 10:10

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August 29, 2011

Cambodia – First Thoughts

By Jenna Wilson

We have been back in San Diego for about a week it has taken me this long to begin processing all that happened on my trip to Cambodia. I am sure it is cliché to say that this trip changed me but it surely did. I am a certainly a confirmed advocate for short-term mission trips after my experience, but honestly, me being changed is just the beginning. Just like the dust kicked up into the air from what seemed like hundreds of motos and Tuk-Tuks racing through the streets of Phnom Penh, I feel like the dust in me has been shaken and still has not settled. I carried several things home with me, including some faces, experiences, ideas, and lingering questions about God’s plan for my life.

When you get home from a trip like this, you are often asked to share some of the most incredible stories. As I have tried to respond to these requests I have found it challenging. I realize that so many of the things that have made impressions on me are not necessarily stories of amazing things that God has done. Some of the deepest impressions are more of the places where the potential lies; where light is starting to break through the darkness but hasn’t fully come in yet. In addition, when I think back on the most incredible stories, I think about the people I met and how I saw God working through them.

 I saw a small but mighty coalition of committed laborers loving the poor, the sick, the abused and the orphan without the promise of daily fanfare, praise or miracles. We didn’t come home with a certain number of decisions made to follow Christ or any other typical milestones that we celebrate as Christians. Instead, I saw something more beautiful than I have probably ever seen happening in the body of Christ.

I met the unsung heroes at World Vision who are going out night after night, providing survival tips and basic medical care to children and teens living on the streets. I met the Children at Risk workers, pouring all of their lives and energies to see a small group of kids in a slum of Phnom Penh realize their value in Christ and find hope for the future. I saw young women with beaming smiles, serving us coffee at Daughters with pride and confidence, knowing their value despite their past as sex workers (most of them forced into it). I saw the quiet, meek leaders at the Happy Tree Orphanage, loving these kids with HIV and so proud of their kids as they sang songs for us. I saw a group of 22 strangers who met in Cambodia with a mission to serve – a group of people willing to do anything and everything to be the hands and feet of Christ and be a shining light in a place that has seen so much darkness.

I have so many stories to share, which I will do here in the coming weeks. I just want to pause and say thank you to so many Christians who are truly demonstrating what it means to follow Jesus into the nations, into the slums, into the brothels, and into the darkest corners of the earth to share the hope of Christ. What a privilege it is to have served with you and to be a witness to the incredible, miraculous love that you are giving so generously.

Before going on this trip, I remember how excited I was to go somewhere new and see how God was working. After arriving in Cambodia, I realized that seeing God move in incredible ways is not something that you go to Cambodia to see; it is something you go Cambodia to do. God’s plan is that WE are the vessel that carries out his miraculous work. This following Christ idea is not something we are merely called to witness. What an opportunity to be in the stories versus just telling them and some of the stories were just at the beginning. With this realization though comes a second – unless we go, get our hands dirty and commit to doing the work, the plan breaks down.

With the overwhelming needs staring me in the face from my time in Cambodia, never before have I felt so compelled to put myself fully in God’s hand and be a part of his plan to save the children of the needy, rescue to oppressed, comfort the sick and proclaim the good news of Christ as I go. Thank you to Cambodia for reminding me of the importance of one life, one child. To rescue one of the little ones that Jesus welcomed to him is worth a lifetime’s labor.

I keep wrestling with the best way to wrap this up and one verse keeps coming to mind. In the first chapter of Colossians, it talks about the mysteries of the gospel being Christ in us, the hope of glory. Never before have I witnessed how real this is, that as we go we carry the hope of Christ within us, the hope of glory.

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August 2, 2011

Countdown to Cambodia

By Jenna Wilson

In 3 days, Chris and I along with 19 other individuals will be on our way to Phnom Penh, Cambodia. We have been looking forward to this trip for many months and as the time of our departure draws closer I find myself wondering how this is going to change me. This week I have been doing some additional reading and studying on the cultural dos and don’ts, the dress codes, weather, religions and people groups.  In addition, this evening, I watched a documentary on-line entitled Enemies of the People. It tells the story of the Khmer Rouge, Pol Pot and the Killing Fields where nearly 2 million people were slaughtered from 1975 – 1979.

When you watch something like this and hear the stories of individuals who found themselves doing the unimaginable, killing people daily because they were ordered to do so, it is hard to imagine how this country can recover. It seems that everyone in Cambodia today must have either been involved in this genocide or been impacted by it and I am not sure that one has an easier recovery than the other. With so many things left unexplained and questions gone unanswered, rebuilding seems insurmountable.

There is a point in the film where one of the men who performed these killings, which included men, women, and children, shares how his insides are constantly spinning with the images of what he has done. His eyes look like open wounds. He talks about the knowledge that families may come to avenge their relatives by killing him. In addition, he shares his fears of what will happen after he dies, based on his Buddhist beliefs. He says, “I don’t know what I am going to be reborn into. How many holes of Hell must I go through?  I feel desperate but I don’t know what to do.”  He adds, “I am desolate.”

As I watched this, my heart ached. Justice, so close to the heart of God, is a necessity. There is no excuse and no escaping the consequences of what this man had done. But, as a follower of Christ, listening to this man’s utter hopelessness, the urgency of God’s mission struck me. I longed to share with him the story of a God who loves and demands justice but also loves people so much that He sacrificed His one and only Son to pay the penalty for all this man had done.  There is a message of hope and redemption in Jesus, the good news.

I was recently talking with a dear friend about the scripture Micah 6:8, “He Has shown all you people what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” She has a huge heart for justice, specifically related to the problem of sex trafficking of young girls and boys. She also has a heart for the pimps and johns who run the brothels trafficking these children, which is not something you hear everyday. I think that in addition to direction on to how we are to treat the oppressed, there is an answer in this verse on how we are to treat the oppressors.

 In Micah 6:8, God gives us the following three charges: do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly.  The do justice piece has certainly been a focus for me this year. I have been learning how to actively be busy doing justice for those that are in need. Likewise, I have been convicted about walking humbly and really discovering what this should look like, continually asking God to check me in this area. But what about love mercy? Why does this charge immediately follow do justice?

The Hebrew word used in the verse, translated as mercy, is chesed. This word is typically translated as loving-kindness and it relates to a covenant relationship, such as between God and us. It can also be translated as mercy because God’s demonstration of loving-kindness to us is often in showing mercy, as we do not always hold up our commitment. Let me also share the first definition of mercy in Webster’s dictionary: compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one’s power; also : lenient or compassionate treatment.

As I have been studying this, I felt that God was showing me that loving mercy, kindness and forgiveness is so important for us to show to others as He has shown it to us in our sin. As we move forward doing justice, we are going to encounter some very different things, mainly the individuals that sit on the side of the oppressor. There is so much in the Bible on forgiveness and God’s mercy to us, but this is one of the most difficult commands for us to follow - offering mercy to those who have hurt us.

One of my favorite passages is found in 2 Corinthians 5 – the Ministry of Reconciliation. Verse 19 says, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (NLT) Going into this Cambodia trip, I am so motivated to do justice, to love mercy, to walk humbly, and to share the good news with those who have never heard it. What a privilege we have that God chooses to use us to deliver his message of reconciliation.

I can’t wait to share updates when we are back…stay tuned!

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July 26, 2011

The Way of Gratefulness

By Jenna Wilson

Life can be overwhelming.  Lately, parts of my life have been this way, trying to juggle work, church, writing, and really being intentional to take steps of action for justice. So many things to do and my emotions can sometimes get all out of whack. The worst is when these things start waking you up in the middle of the night or keeping you from even falling asleep.  Tonight, God gave me a little reminder of something to help me reset my focus.

Chris and I were taking an evening walk. This has become a new routine for us and we typically spent some time praying together. As we were talking, Chris suggested that tonight, instead of making our requests, that we should just express our thanks and praise for what God has been doing.  That was exactly what I wanted to do as well. As we finished the walk and got back home I found myself thinking about was it looks like to continually walk with thanksgiving on my lips.

One of my favorite chapters (out of all of the books I have read) is found in Ruthless Trust which is written by Brennan Manning. It is titled “The Way of Gratefulness” and at different times in my life God has brought me back to this chapter for reflection.  Tonight, I found myself reading back through it. There are so many great quotes throughout this chapter so I will just suggest that you read it for yourself, but the main point is that gratitude is the truest sign of a disciple that trusts God.

He says that “to walk in gratitude is a way of living that is inclusive, attentive, contagious, and theocentric.” It is inclusive because a heart of gratitude gives thanks for the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow, because life is a gift from God. It is attentive because a heart of gratitude requires a certain awareness of life to recognize the intricate blessings that come our way. It is contagious because a heart of gratitute pushes out self-pity and resentfulness and replaces it with joy. It is theocentric becausea heart of gratitude focuses on the One who gives us all things. G.K. Chesterton wrote “the worst moment for an atheist is when he/she feels grateful and there is no one to thank.”

When I first read this chapter several years ago, I started a routine that I wish I had kept up with. I have never been great at journaling but I decided that each night before I went to sleep I would write five things down that I was thankful for in that day. I didn’t stress about doing anything else in the journal except this list of thanksgiving to God. There was something so transforming about focusing on the things that God provided me with that day instead of stressing about the things left undone or the things that didn’t go my way. For me, anxiety comes easy but peace of mind does not.  Gratefulness is the gateway from anxiety to peace.

So tonight, here is my list of five, in no particular order:

  1. God’s generous encouragement when I had to do something difficult today.
  2. The smell of the sprinklers on Chris and I’s evening walks.
  3. An awesome conversation about prayer and Jesus with my mom.
  4. The ability to purchase the food I needed at the grocery store.
  5. The gentle reminder to walk in gratefulness.

What would your five be?

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18

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July 3, 2011

Choose your own adventure

By Jenna Wilson

Imagine you are at a beautiful beach with soft, white sand, clear blue water, and a cloudless sky. There is a slight breeze, bringing with it the smell of hibiscus flowers and coconut. Small waves are quietly crashing on the beach, careful not to disturb the tranquility of the afternoon. Maybe you are reading a great novel. Maybe you are carelessly flipping through a magazine. Maybe you are sipping on a refreshing glass of handmade limeade. Or maybe, you are doing nothing at all.

You decide to go for a swim. As you wade out from the beach, the cool water sends refreshment through you and the soft sand under your feet feels like walking on air. You get far enough out now where you are swimming and you roll onto your back rocking like a fishing boat on top of the waves, up and down. Up and down. In this moment, you know that you are blessed. You realize that not everyone has the opportunity to live this kind of life and you are thankful. You praise God for the peace that He has granted you.

As you lay there, hovering between the water and sun, you hear something. You can’t tell where it is coming from, but it sounds like a child. As you sit up to listen, you see that you have floated down the beach and the surroundings have changed. The beach here is not so pristine and small, dilapidated shacks are visible at the edge of the tree-line.  As you continue drifting, the voice is louder, more like a cry. And then you see her, the small, fragile child sitting on a large rock on the beach. There is no one on the beach, no one else around to care for this child.

In that moment, your heart breaks for her. Something inside tells you that she is all alone, abandoned. Your immediate reaction is to do something, anything to help. What if, in that moment, you could see into the future? Like the choose your own adventure stories you read as a child, you were at a decision page but if was one you had read before and you already knew where these choices led.

Your first choice was to go to the child and help her, rescue her. This choice, you knew, meant struggle, difficulty and pain. It meant giving up the life that you knew, the peace and tranquility of your former life as you were thrust into the unknown. It meant you could never return to what you had at the old beach: the book, the smell of hibiscus, the cool breeze.

Your second choice was to swim back to your beach, head home and tell someone about the child you saw down the beach. You could hand the work off and continue on in your life of comfort, the life you had built for yourself, the life you had earned. You knew that this option meant you could return to the place you came from, unscarred, unburdened. But you also knew you would miss the adventure and the opportunity to impact another life so clearly would not come again.

As you weigh the options, time is standing still. Anticipation is heavy in the air. You don’t feel ready, prepared, to make this kind of a choice. You didn’t mean to drift so far and now be at this crossroads, but it happened anyway. As much as your heart was torn when you heard that faint cry, the decision to help has a new weight, like an anchor, keeping you stationary like a buoy in the water, unmoving. Then, you start swimming…

So, what would you choose? If serving the poor, the orphan, the forgotten, if you knew that taking the next step would send you on a trajectory that caused you to lose comfort, safety, life as you knew it, would you still do it? What if I was to tell you that taking that step, losing the material wealth, possessions and false sense of security meant that you gained something so much greater….purpose? Will we consider everything else a loss compared to knowing Christ and living out His legacy and His purposes?

Sometimes I feel like my life as an American Christian is like sitting on that beautiful beach, and I am so thankful for what God has given me. Sometimes those things He has blessed us with can wrap around us so tightly that the choice to leave them behind and serve others is unbearable. I am wrestling so much with the desires of my heart and trying to lay them at the foot of the cross. I know that it is a mirage and true life does not come from worldly success and accumulating things but if I am honest, the desires for those things are still in me.

I am praying that I have the faith and the strength to lay it all on the altar as Abraham did with his son. I want to swim in the direction of Jesus.

May we as the collective church, the people of God, proclaim together:

I consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I HAVE LOST ALL THINGS…I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings…”

Philippians 3:8,10

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June 28, 2011

Looking Back

By Jenna Wilson

Today I came across something I wrote several years ago. I do not recall the context or what prompted me to write this, but I wanted to share it with you…

Where have I been?

Lost in religion. Heavy with confusion.

So blind to the mission – the compassion –

the reaction of the Father to a dying world and what He’s asked me to do.

I’d rather be selfish.

I’d rather have new clothes, shoes, eat out, enjoy my life.

I know the emptiness that this brings but choose to remain blind.

Children are being raped as I type this right now,

sold and purchased, chained and beaten.

Men and women are dying of hunger and disease,

living in poverty,

lacking fresh water.

And what do I do?

I enjoy my movie in my suburbia, sipping a fresh glass of wine from a 13 dollar bottle.

13 dollars that could feed 13 people for one more day.

I am ignorant because I choose to be,

turning a blind eye to the truth staring back at me,

refusing to look at what might cause me pain

but how can my pain of sight compare with their pain of experience?

God wreck me for your kingdom. I don’t want to be useless.

As I read back over this, conviction overwhelms me. Years later, I find that my progress has been mediocre at best. There are times where God really gets your attention and tugs at your heart for something and you feel changed. Then, somehow, days pass and that commitment to obedience begins to lose it’s hold. One thing I have discovered in my life is that gradual change doesn’t always work.   There are certain times where I need to RUN in the direction of the cross and embrace a radical change. Trying to slowly taper back my selfish desires hasn’t resulted in the progress I would hope to see.

I wrote last week about the example of missionaries daily sacrificing their desires for the kingdom. Even this last week, that reality hit me like a ton of bricks. God allowed me to recognize the daily struggle in my life. Each day, some temptation for my own comfort and security hit me and I found my mind straying from my focus of Christ. When talking with Chris about this toward the end of the week, he told me, “It really does have to be a daily decision to follow Jesus. Yesterday’s decision doesn’t carry over to today.” How true this is! I may have had a strong conviction a few years ago about giving up my selfishness but without sacrificing it daily, I find myself still clinging to it years later.

So, I am putting up a sign in our bathroom that says, “Today, I will follow Jesus.” I don’t want to wake up 3 years from now, read this blog and think – why didn’t I change?

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June 20, 2011

Legacy

By Jenna Wilson

Over the last month or so, I have been reading a few books about great missionaries, specifically the founder of Youth with a Mission and the founders of One Mission Society. When you read books about people who demonstrated amazing faith, it can sometimes be intimidating. As I read though, I noticed a couple of things that these incredible men and women of God had in common (among many). It wasn’t that they had all of this incredible knowledge and skill that made them effective. It wasn’t that they were great fundraisers and used all the best techniques to ensure they could accomplish God’s plan. It wasn’t that were just powerful speakers, although that was certainly part of it.

The first thing that I noticed was prayer. I don’t mean prayer as a discipline but prayer was their very breath. Their whole lives were lived in a posture of complete submission to and communion with the Father. Their prayer lives were certainly remarkable, particularly because they all believed that when they went to God in prayer, He would answer. Such a simple thing but when you put everything on the line, that is radical faith.

At the beginning of the story of YWAM, Loren Cunningham tells a story of when he was young. He had to go down to the store to get some milk and had a five dollar bill. This money was to be used to the groceries for the week, so when he lost it on the way to the store, he was devastated. When he went home to tell his mom, she said, “Come son, let’s pray. We will ask God to show us where that money is.” After they prayed, she said that God told her it was under a bush. They retraced his steps together and found the bill under a bush on the side of the road. Loren tells this story as part of his inheritance from his family and he continued to rely on God in the same way with YWAM.

There is one story of Charles Cowman, who along with his wife started One Mission Society, where God gave him an incredible vision to take the gospel to every household in Japan. At one moment all of the funds ran out and he said, “It is not a question of supply and demand but of the Supplier.” He sent out telegrams calling for a day of prayer and spent the night on his knees. Within days, God had supplied the money.  When I hear this, it is incredible to me that the response was NOT to send out telegrams to ask for donations, it was to pray – the only plea for funds was to the Supplier and He provided.

The second thing these individuals had in common was a bit of recklessness when it came to their own self-interest. They followed God’s call so intensely that they abandoned all desire for their own comfort, safety, security, and wealth. They were not here on this earth to make a name for themselves, they knew they were here for a higher purpose, to make the name of God known among the nations that He alone may be glorified by every tongue, tribe and nation as it talks about in Revelation. When you read their stories you don’t see them making decisions that make sense in the natural.

I had a soccer coach when I was young that would always yell at us from the sidelines, “Play with reckless abandon!!” My parents and I would laugh about this as it was his favorite and constant phrase. As I think back on it now, I wonder, what does it look like to LIVE with reckless abandon? Is there something about following Jesus where this phrase would also apply? When I read the stories of missionaries that have gone before me it barely seems believable the way that they poured out their lives. It wasn’t just that they were not afraid of death, it was that they died daily to any desire to satisfy themselves.

One of the good friends of Charles Cowman, E.A. Kilbourne wrote in a letter a few hours before he died after a lifetime of mission work in Asia that he praised God that he had no personal bank account and he did not own a square foot of property.  He felt privileged that God would allow him to be a conduit for millions of dollars to pass through his hands for the great missionary cause for which he lived and died. I don’t know many people who would praise God for having nothing of material wealth at the end of their life, but a spiritual legacy of living for the King.

I think that these two things are inextricably tied. I don’t think you can pour out your lives like this without constantly drinking in the living water that comes through prayer. Prayer is an exercise that allows us to remember the God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-present. It builds our faith because it builds relationship with the One who is faithful. It builds our confidence because it builds relationship with the One who is sovereign. It builds our ability to lay down our lives because we get a glimpse at the prize, the glory and beauty of the One who laid down His life for us.

In closing, all I can say is that He is worth it. He is worth any suffering, any want, any danger, any sacrifice. So many amazing men and women lived out their lives to show others the beauty of the risen Christ. Let us join with the thousands upon thousands of angels in heaven by proclaiming:

“Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
and honor and glory and praise!”

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June 13, 2011

Surgery

By Jenna Wilson

Something I wrote two night ago and needed to let settle before posting. Welcome to my inner struggles…

Tonight I fought one of the most difficult battles of my life, a battle that cost my soul. It was a battle that left me breathless and feeling utterly exhausted. Sometimes, certain fights require mastering all that you have within you and that still doesn’t feel like enough. Even now, the battle is still not fully settled – I can sense that the attack is still coming and arrows are still flying, even though by all means a victor has been declared. Tonight, I fought my pride.

This is certainly not the first time I have had this fight and nor will it be the last, but It certainly was one of the most difficult battles to date. Tonight at dinner, Chris and I got into a discussion that took a turn for the worse, we both got frustrated and it showed. We continued to talk it out but no resolution came. My husband is someone that really feels resolution cannot come without an apology, and therefore, I knew he was expecting one.  As we got in the car to head home, I asked why we couldn’t get resolution and move past the argument, after all, no one was hurt and we didn’t have more to talk about. He wasn’t ready and I knew why – he was still waiting for me to apologize.

There are certain moments that come in one’s life where literally every nerve, bone, and cell in your body seems to be pulsing with the anthem, “You don’t need to apologize!” Tonight, this intense force was growing as I sat there, listening to him explain why something still wasn’t right. This issue that I have of not wanting to admit my wrongs is not new. It is something I have been working on and I felt that here was an opportunity for me to humble myself, no matter what I felt I deserved. I felt that small voice saying, “Humble yourself before men” and NOTHING in me wanted to obey. In fact, it felt that I had a million little demons revving the engine of my stubborn pride. I wanted to stomp my foot and proclaim my innocence!

Someone once shared a very profound thing with me when Chris and I were first married regarding conflict. She said, “Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: “Do I love him more than I love this issue?” These words have come to me time and time again as I am faced with the decision to be humble and make a way for reconciliation or hold my position and continue the battle.

In the moments between Chris’ silence and my next words, I prayed that God would help me overcome. Then, I said that I was sorry and I meant it. Assuming that this would quiet the raging war in me, I waited…but nothing slowed. The anthem continued with thoughts like, “Now tell him he should apologize!” and “Isn’t he going to acknowledge how hard that was for you!”  It gives new meaning to the verse “Take every thought captive” because sometimes, the enemy keeps on kicking. Soon, we pulled into the driveway and I felt that I was nearly suffocating in my skin. He actually admitted to some things as well but I couldn’t really focus on it. As I took our dog outside I practically yelled to God, “This really really hurts! Please hurry and cut away my pride so that I don’t have to go through this anymore!” Talk about soul surgery – and the sad part is, on the surface, it was all over such a small thing.

What does it mean to humble yourself? Is it only when you’ve messed up or made a mistake? I A few months ago I heard a sermon 1 Corinthians 6 and verse 7 has stuck with me since then. It is referencing how we should handle disagreements between believers and Paul says, “Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?” These questions have been ringing in my ears. Why do I demand to have my side heard? Isn’t it better to be wronged or cheated than to cause further damage with my demands?

I know that it is a dangerous prayer to ask the Lord to humble you, but I know that is what I want – to walk humbly before Him. I don’t want to be so concerned with getting my message heared that I cannot humble myself as a means of reconciliation.

For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with victory.

Psalm 149:4

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